Washington Home & Garden Blogs

An attendee at a recent professional conference, I was mentally resting when I was wrenched out of my calm by some words uttered by our presenter --- an imminent, Ivy-educated psychiatrist: "Call a spade a spade...," he said. And he proceeded to develop his theme for another 45 minutes.

I had lost focus at that moment, and spent the next few hours in a cascade of emotions --- shock, anger, dismay, deep sadness, doubt, shame --- to mention just a few. Shock that this educated man could

By Nancy Hafkin

"These are uncertain times."

How frequently do we hear those words lately? People respond to them with anxiety and depression, missing the routine and the predictible. We seek answers about when things will get back to "normal." Perhaps with more intensity, we seek people who have answers. But what do we do when no one seems to have the answers? Or ... when the answer is "I don't know."

President Obama does not know when our economy will turn around. The career counselor does not know when the right job will come along. The marriage counselor cannot predict whether or not a marriage will be saved. Does this mean our experts are not expert? Or that we must learn to live with the fact that, no matter how consciously we try to live our lives (or manage our money), much will happen that is out of reach of our control.

Each of us has full responsibility for a life over which we have only partial control. Sometimes we are left feeling helpless and hopeless. And even though we lack esential control, it is the task of each of us to find meaning in this unmanageable world: President Obama can do everything in his power to pass the bills he believes will assist our economy. The career counselor can provide all the information currently available for his clients' job searches. The marriage counselor can bring years of wisdom and skill to the task of assisting clients in understanding their issues and making a decision to work on their marriages.

We can choose to use what we know to assist us to come to terms with what we will never know. Uncertainty is perhaps most valuable because it forces us to work at accepting that we really don't have all the answers.

Saying "I'm sorry" is difficult for some people. Most of the time, we would like to believe that we are right and it is the other person who should be apologizing. Yet in every relationship, there comes a time when the words must be spoken. Small apologies are good practice for the really big ones -- where a simple "sorry" will not do.

In my office these past days, many folks have been dealing with the big ones -- a violation that goes to the core of a committed partnership. These betrayals require soul searching, often with the help of another, and they require more than one apology.

I suggest that people think of making amends as a process that involves a series of statements that begin with, "I regret that..." and "I apologize for..." Forgiveness may not happen quickly. Forgetting can be impossible. Typically, people need time and plenty of oportunity to hear that their partner deeply understands the situation. And what better way to indicate understanding than by verbalizing one's regrets and sincere apologies.

About the blogger: Nancy Hafkin, Ph.D is a psychologist in independent practice . For 30 years, she has been counseling individuals and couples in her Bethesda, MD practice.

"It does not get much better than this."

Precious words --- uttered all too infrequently. We spend far too much time worrying about the future and regretting the past, and miss the opportunity to experience the pleasure of living in the moment.

Certainly life can be counted on the produce all the pain that anyone could possibly require. We do not have to go looking for it. It will find us. But, in between, the task is to avoid adding needless suffering to a load that is already heavy. Some people anguish over an action not taken. Others wake in the night to worry about a catastrophe that could occur. Many feel undeserving or complain about being poorly treated. We wish for the good times we remember in the past or hope for a time when, finally, all will be well.

The practice of mindfulness is an opportunity to feel joy in the present. It is a mental state of relaxed awareness, in which curiosity and openness are available. We can feel fully alive if we allow ourselves the chance to experience the journey of each moment. Eat the perfect peach, make a face at the baby, marvel over the snowflake. Count those blessings. Kiss ---meaningfully --- someone you love.

And say, at least once today, "It does not get much better than this."

[...]

Change is happening. The year ’08 is becoming ’09. The weather is changing -- here in suburban Maryland, the weather changes so fast lately that it is difficult to keep track of the seasons. Change happens to people, too, and often without welcome. Waistlines and hairlines change. (Now there’s an example of unwelcome change.)

Needed changes are often the ones required to improve ourselves and our relationships. We make New Year’s resolutions on the eve of the waning year and often break them before New Year’s Day is over. So … why make resolutions?

We feel better as we assess our limitations and vow to do better. We would do better if the changes we request of ourselves involve reasonable, measurable goals. The very best resolutions involve making one change per week. And … changes have to be practiced every day for at least 21 days so that new behavior can be integrated.

Doing things differently involves focus and determination -- and daily practice. Cultivating needed changes is an exciting way to begin 2009.

About the Blogger:
Nancy is a psychologist with the practice Covington & Hafkin in Bethesda, Md. Over the past 30 years she has counseled individuals and couples over a broad range of mental health and parenting issues.