An attendee at a recent professional conference, I was mentally resting when I was wrenched out of my calm by some words uttered by our presenter --- an imminent, Ivy-educated psychiatrist: "Call a spade a spade...," he said. And he proceeded to develop his theme for another 45 minutes.

I had lost focus at that moment, and spent the next few hours in a cascade of emotions --- shock, anger, dismay, deep sadness, doubt, shame --- to mention just a few. Shock that this educated man could use a phrase with a painful second meaning. Anger that my hoped for weekend of learning was aborted. Dismay that I was going to have to figure out a way to confront authority and make my thoughts known to a room of therapists. Doubt ---Did I hear him correctly? Could I, perhaps be incorrect in my belief? And shame --- big time shame --- that speaking out was so difficult.

By Nancy Hafkin

"These are uncertain times."

Saying "I'm sorry" is difficult for some people. Most of the time, we would like to believe that we are right and it is the other person who should be apologizing. Yet in every relationship, there comes a time when the words must be spoken. Small apologies are good practice for the really big ones -- where a simple "sorry" will not do.

In my office these past days, many folks have been dealing with the big ones -- a violation that goes to the core of a committed partnership. These betrayals require soul searching, often with the help of another, and they require more than one apology.

"It does not get much better than this."

Precious words --- uttered all too infrequently. We spend far too much time worrying about the future and regretting the past, and miss the opportunity to experience the pleasure of living in the moment.

Certainly life can be counted on the produce all the pain that anyone could possibly require. We do not have to go looking for it. It will find us. But, in between, the task is to avoid adding needless suffering to a load that is already heavy. Some people anguish over an action not taken. Others wake in the night to worry about a catastrophe that could occur. Many feel undeserving or complain about being poorly treated. We wish for the good times we remember in the past or hope for a time when, finally, all will be well.

The practice of mindfulness is an opportunity to feel joy in the present. It is a mental state of relaxed awareness, in which curiosity and openness are available. We can feel fully alive if we allow ourselves the chance to experience the journey of each moment. Eat the perfect peach, make a face at the baby, marvel over the snowflake. Count those blessings. Kiss ---meaningfully --- someone you love.

And say, at least once today, "It does not get much better than this."

Change is happening. The year ’08 is becoming ’09. The weather is changing -- here in suburban Maryland, the weather changes so fast lately that it is difficult to keep track of the seasons. Change happens to people, too, and often without welcome. Waistlines and hairlines change. (Now there’s an example of unwelcome change.)

Needed changes are often the ones required to improve ourselves and our relationships. We make New Year’s resolutions on the eve of the waning year and often break them before New Year’s Day is over. So … why make resolutions?

We feel better as we assess our limitations and vow to do better. We would do better if the changes we request of ourselves involve reasonable, measurable goals. The very best resolutions involve making one change per week. And … changes have to be practiced every day for at least 21 days so that new behavior can be integrated.

Doing things differently involves focus and determination -- and daily practice. Cultivating needed changes is an exciting way to begin 2009.

About the Blogger:
Nancy is a psychologist with the practice Covington & Hafkin in Bethesda, Md. Over the past 30 years she has counseled individuals and couples over a broad range of mental health and parenting issues.